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Tag Archives: Occult

Etsy, I just can’t: Etsy Versus The Occult

Like the majority of American women, I spend way, way too much time on Etsy. I buy very little. Mostly, I flip through objects I want but object to the exorbitant shipping prices, and I make fun of shit.

Regretsy is dead, but its memory lives on.

I have some favorite Etsy searches. OneĀ is ‘occult items’. In case you don’t know, there are a lot of people out there selling ‘haunted’ or ‘cursed’ or ‘magical’ items for THOUSANDS of dollars. And presumably, SOMEONE has paid this money, because they must have some incentive to continue.

Usually the items consist of some dilapidated book or doll, purchased at a local thrift shop, or a box someone bought at his or her neighborhood psychic supply shop. They are decorated with cheesy ‘spooky’ items: black cats, satanic symbols, etc., and then passed off as some kind of mystical token.

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There’s looking at Etsy and thinking ‘I could make this’ and then there’s looking at Etsy and thinking ‘I could find this in the trash.’

CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT, who needs a Tesla when you can get this haunted warlock ring or whatever the fuck it is since it’s so haunted they couldn’t even get a functional picture of it.

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Apparently, this person doesn’t realize you can get a Ouija board for $20 at Toys R Us.

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Is that a genuine plastic planchette I see?????

Then there’s this dickhead selling a pretty common book that costs $5 on Amazon for $90.

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Oh and some people will sell you spells. And take pictures of themselves casting them so you know it’s not A TOTAL hand job.

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The more seasoned magic practitioner may prefer to just download a spell and conduct it his or herself.

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Don’t expect much if you go for the discount items, you cheap fuck! This chick REALLY knows how to remove a curse, I suppose, considering her download is $1200.

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And don’t worry, there’s a spell for stuff besides curses.

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Sometimes, worlds collide. Take, for example, this ‘hooded jacket/cloak’ as its creator describes it. It appeals to me on an aesthetic level. However, I have a few hesitations beyond the $119.00 plus shipping asking price.

Let’s just look at its sale page or whatever the fuck Etsy calls them:

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First of all, why is it DARKNESS hooded jacket cloak? Why is DARKNESS all uppercase? Has that increased its magical powers? Instantly, that’s so high school goth that I’m kind of ashamed to want it.

Second, that picture. What in the fuck eighth grade glamour shots is this shit? Those crossed arms? I am so confused.

Oh, Etsy.