RSS Feed

Tag Archives: bad art

Etsy, I just can’t: Etsy Versus The Occult

Like the majority of American women, I spend way, way too much time on Etsy. I buy very little. Mostly, I flip through objects I want but object to the exorbitant shipping prices, and I make fun of shit.

Regretsy is dead, but its memory lives on.

I have some favorite Etsy searches. One is ‘occult items’. In case you don’t know, there are a lot of people out there selling ‘haunted’ or ‘cursed’ or ‘magical’ items for THOUSANDS of dollars. And presumably, SOMEONE has paid this money, because they must have some incentive to continue.

Usually the items consist of some dilapidated book or doll, purchased at a local thrift shop, or a box someone bought at his or her neighborhood psychic supply shop. They are decorated with cheesy ‘spooky’ items: black cats, satanic symbols, etc., and then passed off as some kind of mystical token.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.31.52

There’s looking at Etsy and thinking ‘I could make this’ and then there’s looking at Etsy and thinking ‘I could find this in the trash.’

CHECK OUT THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT, who needs a Tesla when you can get this haunted warlock ring or whatever the fuck it is since it’s so haunted they couldn’t even get a functional picture of it.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.23.37

Apparently, this person doesn’t realize you can get a Ouija board for $20 at Toys R Us.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.21.40

Is that a genuine plastic planchette I see?????

Then there’s this dickhead selling a pretty common book that costs $5 on Amazon for $90.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.14.24 Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.13.20

Oh and some people will sell you spells. And take pictures of themselves casting them so you know it’s not A TOTAL hand job.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.11.42

The more seasoned magic practitioner may prefer to just download a spell and conduct it his or herself.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.16.27

Don’t expect much if you go for the discount items, you cheap fuck! This chick REALLY knows how to remove a curse, I suppose, considering her download is $1200.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.18.51

And don’t worry, there’s a spell for stuff besides curses.

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.27.00

Sometimes, worlds collide. Take, for example, this ‘hooded jacket/cloak’ as its creator describes it. It appeals to me on an aesthetic level. However, I have a few hesitations beyond the $119.00 plus shipping asking price.

Let’s just look at its sale page or whatever the fuck Etsy calls them:

Screenshot 2014-09-22 16.03.09

First of all, why is it DARKNESS hooded jacket cloak? Why is DARKNESS all uppercase? Has that increased its magical powers? Instantly, that’s so high school goth that I’m kind of ashamed to want it.

Second, that picture. What in the fuck eighth grade glamour shots is this shit? Those crossed arms? I am so confused.

Oh, Etsy.

Fan Art: The hidden jewel of the internet

Posted on

Fact: You cannot spell fan art without fart. Well, you can try.

As we know, the internet is a veritable gold mine of undiscovered talent. More than one lump of livejournal coal gets dusted off to reveal a diamond underneath. Yes, we all applaud the wit of those who can. But let us not forget those who can’t, yet try so, so hard.

Have you ever noticed how much more prolific the writer with no skill is than the carefully trained, honed, and brilliant one is? Seriously, in the time it took Marcel Proust to fine-tune a sentence in Remembrance  Of Things Past, Stephenie Meyers wrote all of the Twilight series. And yes, it’s easy to marvel over the speedy efficiency bad writers pop things out, we just as easily dismiss them.  But we must also remember to applaud their imagination. Where else but in the bowels of the Internet would someone think to write femslash fiction pairing Law and Order SVU’s Olivia Benson with a Farscape creature?

Bad art is an art unto itself, and nothing is more marvelous than the dedicated fan, who in his or her pursuit to properly convey admiration for the idolized person of choice, winds up creating an iconic image so terrible that it seems to be a massive injustice to not give these people credit where credit is due.

And so, without further blathering, may I present some of my favorite fan art renderings of Hollywood’s most revered stars.

As a caveat, may I say that there are many, many well-done portraits of the stars. Those are no fun.

Angelina Jolie

Jolie is quite a popular subject among amateur illustrative artists. They all appear to secretly view her as some kind of vile monster.

Brad Pitt

No, I swear it’s not Butthead.

Jennifer Aniston

Sarah Michelle Gellar

But you knew that. It’s obvious.

Oprah

Leonardo DiCaprio

You have to admire this artist, who appears to have used the age-enhancing program police reserve for milk carton children, to create his Leo.

Harry Potter

This is more filed under ‘weird’ than bad, per se. It appears to be a forlorn Harry Potter being comforted by either Jesus or Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain

And while we’re on the topic.

Edward Cullen

Now, before everyone says, “Sabrina, that’s mean. I bet a special needs eight-year-old drew that,” please keep in mind the average Twilight fan is a desperately sad, mentally questionable thirty-eight-year-old woman still reeling from the disappointment of the bottom collapsing on the Beanie Baby market.

And finally, where would we be without this blog’s namesake?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. And I can’t wait to explore the realm of people who get celebrities tattooed on them.