Ages ago, I had a blog. That blog was called ‘Yeah, I’d Hit That’ and it was immensely shallow. Like all blogs, I let it lapse because I go through bouts where I have minimal interest in writing anything about hot guys or murderous children from Florida. I KNOW, I don’t understand how I could possibly run out of commentary on either topic. But anyway, so here’s an attempt to reproduce some of the deep concepts explored in that blog, although surely, like all translations, some of the myth will be lost. Without further adieu, I bring you: my choices for hottest scrawny, scrappy Indie rock dude, ALIVE. This is important because I plan to have a subsequent blog titled ‘Hot Dead Dudes’. So in no particular order:
1. Evan Dando from The Lemonheads. No one remembers the Lemonheads for some reason, and when they do, it’s to associate them with their (albeit great) cover of Mrs. Robinson. Yeah, couple of stupid, argumentative people out there reading my blog, that is a cover. Just like 10000 Maniacs didn’t write Because The Night. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Anyway, the Lemonheads had a lot of other insanely good songs that all manage to somehow be the musical description of what it’s like to have Evan Dando hug you. Which would be awesome, because he’s also really underrated and insanely adorable. Just look at the video below: he’s in a shopping cart! He’s holding a puppy! Balloons!
2. Stephen Malkmus from Pavement. Yeah, he’s probably a huge asshole, but he’s lanky, shaggy-haired, and fucking adorable. And he’s excellent at crossword puzzles, which, while annoying in a relationship where you’re constantly unsure of whether or not you’re actively being mocked based on his outstanding vocabulary, is also sexy. Plus he’s so lazy and indifferent about being cool, like it’s annoying and boring to him. Women love that shit. It’s his self-involved contempt for the world that makes it so much more endearing when he actually appears to be enjoying himself. And he’s aging really, really well.
3. Beck, Loser-era. It’s very important that we distinguish WHEN Beck was cute. Because now, he’s a Scientologist, which totally disqualifies him, but in 1994, he was an adorable little ragamuffin with an acoustic guitar strapped to his back and filthy long hair, mumbling nonsensical songs that sounded like Allen Ginsberg poems being put to music.
4. Conor Oberst/Bright Eyes: YEAH I KNOW. His music is really lame now if you’ve graduated college. If you haven’t, then you can still find depth in ‘Lover I don’t have to love’. But semi uni-brow and rumored piss-poor hygiene aside, he’s quite attractive on occasion. Let’s face it, we all had crushes on the guy who looked like him and wrote shittier versions of his music when we were in school. Or, sometimes on butch chicks who looked like him.
5. Matthew Gray Gubler: He’s not an indie musician, no, but he embodies everything somewhat twee and also mussed up, shaggy, and huggably adorable that qualifies him as ‘this type’. Now, first of all, I bet he does play some kind of instrument like the ukulele , and in addition to being a non-irritatingly quirky, non-repulsive amateur magician male model (a feat unto itself), he’s an actively interesting artist, and I’m not just saying that because cute guys make me overrate their work.
6. Gram Parsons: Yeah, yeah, he’s country, but look at him: shaggy hair, Evel Knievel jumpsuits, strange friends who steal his corpse…
7. Ryan Adams: Another controversial figure, granted. And he hasn’t aged well. But he was super hot in Whiskeytown and goes through stages of being incredibly attractive. Plus, even if he’s overly prolific (re: annoyingly over-releasing) and has to sustain from trying to be Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan, he’s still talented. And anyone who ever plays Dancing With The Women At The Bar one day on the world’s most obscure jukebox while I’m sitting in a mostly empty bar somewhere in the middle of nowhere will instantly have my heart.
9. Christopher Bear, Grizzly Bear: I won’t lie. I am not sophisticated enough to enjoy the hot mess that is Grizzly Bear and I find their music to be slightly less enjoyable than deafening myself with a long, pointed stick. But this kid’s adorable.
10. Zach Condon of Beirut: Having a mom that lives in Santa Fe, I can safely say this is the hottest guy who has ever come out of there. Ever. Period. And a snazzy dresser.
11. Panda Bear from Animal Collective: Again, I’d rather eat glass than listen to his music, but I’m not blind.
As you can tell from the shorter descriptions, I’m over this topic. Stay tuned for Hottest Dead Guys, Hottest British Guys, and, of course, Hottest Douche Bags. BTW, there is a FUCKYEAH Tumblr for every single one of these guys except Jon Spencer. UNACCEPTABLE.