Ah, the cinema. Since the dawn of the movie era, it’s served as the template for romantic expectations. Sometimes in an entirely unhealthy way. Here, I am going to critique some of the worst examples of Hollywood romances from film and television throughout the past 80 or so years.
1. My Man Godfrey: Carol Lombard and William Powell meet and fall in love in this exquisite screwball comedy from 1936. Powell is a ‘forgotten man’ that Lombard retrieves while on a scavenger hunt. After developing a crush on him, she convinces her father to hire him on, where he gets to witness the savageness of wealth, until it’s revealed that his ‘forgotten man’ status means he was, at one time, a known man, and he saves the family with the wisdom he’s acquired on the street. First of all, how many homeless guys or slackers do you know who actually pull themselves up and teach everyone a valuable lesson about the value of the dollar? Second, Lombard’s character is borderline retarded here and he’s pretty much a genius. Granted, she’s hot, but there’s nothing to sustain.
2. Sid and Nancy: Well, they both die. And pretty much, they both kill each other. And before that, they lie around a lot in shit and vomit, and they never fuck.
3. The Little Mermaid. You might remember this fondly from childhood. This is the reality: Ariel is 16. SIXTEEN. And her father has the audacity to believe that A) she might not know what’s best for her at that age and B) wants better things for her, but he’s the enemy. And the whole part where Ursula declares “The men up there don’t like a lot of blabber/They think a girl who gossips is a bore!/Come on, they’re not all that impressed with conversation/It’s she who holds her tongue who get’s a man,” is only partial jest. Their entire relationship is based on her fawning over him and him thinking she’s kind of pretty.
4. Pretty much any Disney romance. Look, just because you woke me up from a curse doesn’t mean I automatically want to marry you.
6. SLC Punk: The ending, when Steve-o meets the girl who changes everything for him, all we see is a mustached cunt who makes a lot of superficial judgements about people. Womp womp.
7. Flashdance: The biggest problem is that there really wasn’t any need for a romance in Flashdance, so the line they threw in where the rich guy is after the poor girl who lives in an amazing warehouse of awesome is really extraneous and forced. Plus he’s creepy, old and unattractive.
8. Pretty In Pink: All of the romance in this is awful. First, we’re supposed to root for Andie and Blaine. Blaine is a douche and a half. I mean, he’s worse than Stef because he’s a pussy hypocrite. He dumps Andie before the prom because he freaks about his social status, and then when she shows up anyway, he acts like it’s a big test and has the nerve to say, “You never believed in me.” And she falls for it and forgives him! What! But who can blame her when her role model is Annie Potts’ awesome character who sells out all of her punk rock originality to dress like a sick yuppie in order to appease her complete tool of a boyfriend.
9. Batman Begins and Dark Knight: Why does anyone like Rachel? In Batman Begins, she’s an uptight, self-righteous bitch who judges everyone. She’s basically a sophomore political science student at a liberal East Coast private college. Sick. And in the Dark Knight, she’s a sarcastic, insensitive asshole. Instead of being all indignant about everything, she’s an eye-rolling know-it-all. Batman, stick with your own kind.
10. Superman Returns: Before we start on how this movie sucked, let me say, the one hero in this is the poor guy Lois Lane married, who isn’t superhuman but risks everything to save his asshole of a wife and his kid who isn’t his kid, yet all the credit goes to Superman. Maybe Superman and Lois Lane are actually perfect for each other because she’s a self-involved twat and he’s a hollow piece of wood.
11. Bonnie and Clyde: He’s impotent and quick to rage, and she’s desperately trailing after him.
There will be a sequel when I bother to think of some.