Up until recently, the only blood-thirsty, murdering babies in popular culture were either possessed dolls or babies buried in cursed pet semetarys. WELL GOOD NEWS. You no longer have to stumble up a mountain to revive a deceased child in ancient Indian burial grounds guarded by Cthulhu. Nowadays, kids are entering states of teenage apathy before ten, getting periods at eight, and shooting their moms, gangster style, by two.
That is, if you believe the incredibly implausible story of Julia Bennett’s’s baby daddy. No, he’s not actually her daddy who is a baby, babies aren’t that all growed up yet. He is the obviously really reliable source who is pointing the finger squarely at his toddler son, whom he claims is the triggerman.
According to the unnamed male, Bennett’s 2 1/2 year old had it with her whining bullshit and shot his mother in the back with a handgun while the man struggled to get the weapon away from the child. May it be said: SIMPSONS DID IT. We already had Maggie shoot Mr. Burns. Sorry, Miramar baby boy. You’re totally stealing that plot.
Now, if you’re a little skeptical about this, YOU’RE A SAD, EMBITTERED, JADED, LOST SOUL. Like me. But not like the Southern Florida police department who are investigating this quite seriously. See, while I raise a wary eyebrow at facts like ‘the couple were never married and not together at the time’ or a story about ‘wrestling a gun’ away from a two-year-old, the cops are satisfied that the man is fully compliant with the investigation. What does he have to worry about? He can just smugly sit back and let the baby go down. After all, nobody’s going to execute a baby. Except maybe Texas.
Yes, the Miramar police force wants everyone to sleep tight knowing that they are going to get to the root of this:
A toddler shot and killed his mother, the boy’s father told South Florida police, who say they will talk to the 2-1/2-year-old.
However, even they have some doubts about this case:
Rues said investigators will talk to the toddler about the shooting, but that “due to the age, we’re not expecting to get much.
I say, if you’re old enough to kill your mother, you’re old enough to take that bottle out of your mouth and goo goo ga ga something coherent about the whole situation. But it’s going to be a tough interrogation. After all, the police can keep refilling his sippy cup with milk the way they make other suspects uncomfortable with over-hydration, but that baby will just sit there like a cocky fuck and piss in his diaper. THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO BRING BACK WATERBOARDING.
All jokes aside, it’s pretty awesome that this dad intends to raise his child by having the ULTIMATE leg-up. Unlike moms who get to use the whole, ‘What did I ever do but birth you?’, he’ll have the greatest trump card of all time. “Oh, what did I do? Just tried to wrestle a gun out of your stubby, sticky hands so you couldn’t SHOOT YOUR MOTHER IN THE BACK LIKE A COWARD. They were so sticky! Damn kids and their jam hands.”
Parents, I cannot stress this enough: handguns continue to make super shitty paperweights.